Why do we do what we do? My 40 years in the desert

 Galatians 1:10-11

For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ. 11But I certify you, brethren, that the gospel which was preached of me is not after man. 

As many of you know a few years ago I was training to become a missionary. My wife and I were going to head to Bolivia for extended training. This would then be followed by two years of deputation and then two years of language school and then off to start our first church. But along the way, I fell into sin and lost that opportunity for my family. I have no one to blame for that but myself, this is not a blog post asking for sympathy.  Nor is this one of those posts where I would type feverishly with dramatic music playing in my head screen "this time will be different." or "This will be my starting block for the new me. " because if you have read my blog before then you would have seen a similar blog such as that written a few years ago. 

No this is more of an honest evaluation of my current position in regards to the ministry as a whole. Since not being in my church's Missions training program I have sung in the choir at my church. I have participated in leading my pastor's Sunday school class( Or life group as my assistant pastor calls it.) My wife and I are teaching in the Children's Ministry on Sunday Mornings. As well as helping in the yokefellow ministry trying to partner missionaries with families in our church. I am disciplining young men in the church. Witnessed to coworkers and lead children to the Lord. 

I have had downfalls as well. I have lost privileges and opportunities to disciple and to do ministry. At times I have lost a desire to even teach or open my bible and hear what God has for me. At times I am apathetic to the work and to the need for the ministry. (Again I repeat this was going to be an evaluation, not a motivational blog.) I have had flurries of "I'll just do this forever and just toe the line so I can not lose this again.) But as I try to just "toe the line," I find that to also be a fight at times. I have been questioned if I still love to preach? Do I still desire to see the Lord use me? Then I read these verses in my bible this morning and these questions jump at me 

Why are we in ministry?  To look cool in front of other Christians in the room?

why do we come to church? Is it to socialize and see that one friend we never have time for during our week? 

Are we serving God so that we feel good about ourselves or are we in the work because God has called us to that work b pricking our hearts to the need that is before us? 

As transparent as I can be I have had my fears that I am doing ministry for the wrong reasons. 

But then I think back on what the Lord has allowed me to do. He kept me from going further so that I may grow where I was. A friend of mine once told me that we all must go through our own 40 years in the desert to see what God has for us. ( Jeff I'm paraphrasing I know that's not exactly what you said.) But that is what it is for me. my 40 years. During that time I have seen the birth of my son. I was able to lead, my niece, to the Lord. I have witnessed and prayed over people I thought would never step foot into a church. All of this while being here in the states and not on the field. 

There was a moment there when I thought "I'll stay here and I'll clean the church or something so long as I can be close to the work and do what I am doing.' Then I see my Pastor and my fields go to the field and I see the people in the photos and I the countries and the nationals there and my heart breaks for it. Not because I messed up and I'll never go. But because they are dying and going to hell and they need people to go and tell them the truth.  And when I see think like that and I see the work God has given me I have my answer to my questions.

My 40 years have been the best ministry training I could ask for.  

My heart breaks for my coworkers. it breaks for the children at church. The young guys I work with. The missionaries we support. And my heart breaks for the field. 

How would I have been able to help those around me and those I will see on the field if I did not go through what I have gone through now?

Lord, I thank you for the time you have given me to grow and mature.  I pray that I can remember why I am in the ministry that you have placed me in. Let me never become so self-focused that I treat the work as something other than what it is. Keep my heart sensitive to your will for my life.